Intimacy Issues

In honor of Mental Health Month & Masturbation Month, May is dedicated to all things related to sexual health.

In my previous post, I shared some thoughts on how porn has ruined intimacy. Sex and intimacy are often confused; intimacy isn’t the same as sex. Though they should go hand-in-hand, in today’s society and culture sex is often ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ or ‘Netflix and chill’ (ugh, I’m cringing even writing that). These days, people don’t generally take the time out to get intimate with another person.

 

So then, what is intimacy exactly?

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as;
1: the state of being intimate: familiarity
2: something of a personal or private nature

 

I quite like that definition because that’s exactly what it is. Intimacy isn’t just sex, though sex becomes even greater when intimacy is involved. It’s connecting with another person on a deeper level. It’s that sense of privacy between two people that needs to be protected because it is sacred for the people involved. No other relationship will be the same, we’re not necessarily even meant to share that. Not even in poly and open relationships, part of the reason why monogamy isn’t our natural way of being as humans, is because we crave that deeper sense of connection in various ways. No one person can give you all that you need.

 

Non-sexual intimacy is..

• sharing personal experiences during conversations
• spending quality time together, ie. cooking, cleaning
• listening to each other with compassion and understanding
• conversations about the individual’s passions and what they’re working towards
• being attentive and remembering the things that has been said
• reminders and reassurance of why they’re special
• napping together
• light massages or rubbing feet
• annoying each other
• laughing together
• playing with hair, tugging it and rubbing the hands through the hair
• a little slap on the ass
• a surprise hug and kissing the neck from the behind when doing something
• kisses on the forehead
• words of encouragement

 

These are only a few things that shows intimacy. In a culture where we do not invest in another person anymore, we seem to only be interested in sexual intercourse, it’s very challenging to establish an intimate relationship. Intimacy takes time, it takes patience. It’s for the long-haul, and even when you’re in a committed relationship, it takes work and effort to stay intimate with your partner(s).

It’s also scary to be intimate with another person, especially after traumatic past experiences. You are sharing yourself in the most vulnerable way to another person. Saying things like men are all douchebags feeds that belief, and when you believe that internally, you will not only keep attracting douchey men but also keep yourself away from becoming vulnerable and intimate with him.

 

How can intimacy be established?

Knowledge.
Sharing personal information. Feeling the safety to share dreams, desires, fears, past experiences, traumas, goals. This is gradual process that takes time in deepening the conversations.

Vulnerability.
Being courageous enough in being vulnerable with the other person. It’s not just the deep, intellectual conversations but showing emotions as they arise. Being honest when something is bothering you without putting any blame onto them. Asking for help / assistance when you’re not able to cope on your own.

Interdependence.
Recognizing the importance of the emotional bond you share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the dynamic. Valuing yourself in a way that allows you and your partner to be yourselves without the need to compromise who you are or your values system.

Care.
Showing concern for each other’s wellbeing, comforting in times of distress, safekeeping from harm are ways to show you care for them. Communicating with compassion and understanding. Displaying physical affection.

Responsiveness.
Being responsive to each other’s needs. Recognizing, understanding and supporting one another in times of pain and gain. Meeting the needs culminates in feeling loved and appreciated.

Trust.
This is one of the main caterpillars of any relationship to work; if there’s no sense of trust, it won’t go very far. It’s that confidence you place in the other person to act in a way of honor and fairness that won’t cause purposeful harm.

Commitment.
To keep evolving as individuals, and as partners within the relationship, you have to be committed to growth. Personal growth is hugely important, and commitment to another person will be triggering. Managing the triggers without putting blame on the other person is vital.

Commitment to him also allows common knowledge to be shared for never to make any assumptions, no matter how you think you may know him. Remaining vulnerable in sharing emotions and feelings with one another. Valuing your sense of self to be interdependent while still having the emotional bond with your partner. Showing care for each other and being responsive to the other person’s needs. Deepening the trust you each have for the other.

 

So you see, hook up culture does not encourage intimacy, quite the opposite. Having sex and being intimate are two different things, though they feed into each other. The real question is, are you ready to be intimate? To what extent do you want to share the most vulnerable sides of yourself? Highly valuable man will be magnetized to you when you show vulnerability. Going against your past patterning is challenging at first. Thinking how can I trust this man when my past experiences have been traumatic, only takes away your charm. There will be a man who deserves that sense of trust. Maybe he already is in your life, you just have to transmute that energy into the desired outcome.

 

What do you think intimacy is? How do you express non-sexual intimacy?