When I found out one of my favorite people is visiting in Europe from Caribbean, I was dying inside. The human in me reacted strongly from the ego, wanting to guilt him why he didn’t tell me beforehand so that we could see each other.
No blame, no shame, no guilt -policy.
In the heat of the moment, of being so delighted that he is even in the same continent as I am, I was really excited. But I needed to contain myself. My initial reaction was “why didn’t you tell me?!”, instead I responded by taking responsibility for my emotions “I’m dying right now, I want to see you,” followed by a solution thought, “next time please tell me in advance so we can plan something together.” It actually got a positive reaction from his end as he said he’s coming over again next May, and that we should plan something.
Had I blamed, shamed, or guilted him in any way, his corresponding reaction would’ve been a lot different. He reacted based on my enthused energy.
Men don’t like it when they are being put to blame to something they didn’t even think they did something wrong. It actually takes some of the attraction away from us. He knows I miss him, I tell him that often enough.
His actions or inactions says nothing.
I also could’ve been upset thinking why didn’t he tell me, do I not matter to him at all? If he was a really good friend, he would’ve wanted to make every effort in seeing me. <insert eye roll emoji here> No. Just no. People have priorities. People merely forget to mention these things. There may be conflict of scheduling. Numerous reason are accounted for. Also, knowing him, it only occurred to him at the moment he messaged me. He’s a silent Lion, meaning he makes moves quietly and inconspicuously. He’s been in my life for over a decade now, it says absolutely nothing about the quality of our friendship that he didn’t mention this factor to me.
In the past, when I was insecure, yes I would’ve made it mean something. So, I do get women who think this way. Which is why I found it important to write about this because when you’re really secure in yourself and in the friendship/relationship, his inactions do not need to mean anything. It does not matter how often he communicates with you, or how infrequent the communication is. I don’t base the value of a man, friend or more, how often we talk or what he decides to share with me. It was a long time ago that I realized what I value most, is the quality time together; how he treats me when do get to spend time alone.
Fill up your love tank.
Quality time and physical touch are my number one love languages, closely followed by words of affirmation. If he expresses any of these in any way, it makes me feel valued and appreciated.
In his case, when we get together… something magical happens. He’s always been the source of cool, calm, collectedness for me. He pushes me to be more creative, to think outside of the box. It’s the energy he puts out that just fills me up in a very unexplainable way. You know those people with whom you don’t have to be anything or anyone else other than yourself and you can just hang out without saying or doing much, yet you vibe creatively together? He’s that friend to me.
When I went through my issues with my now ex boyfriend, I wanted to be around him for that reason. For a little while, I forgot my problems and I could just be.
When he went through his breakup, I was one of the first people to know. I was honored that he’d reach out to tell me.
When the connection is there, trust it.
Him and I don’t talk very often. It’s been years since we’ve even seen each other. Does that mean that we can’t be good friends? Does that mean our friendship is any less valuable? Absolutely not. The same feelings I had ten years ago, rush back in. They might shift and change a little but the basis of it remains.
If there’s a connection with someone, don’t dismiss it. When your body reacts to someone a certain way, listen to it. Your body is your guidance system. Same thing with connection, if there is one, trust it’s there for a reason. It doesn’t matter how long that person has been, is, or will be in your life; they’ve come into your life for a reason.
It doesn’t even matter how often you talk. Don’t make his inactions mean anything about the quality of the relationship. What matters most is how he treats you, and how he makes you feel when you’re around him (even through text).
Do not question the connection because it is one of a kind. It can never be replicated. The connection between two people is always sacred.
Love That Matters 