New era, new state of being

According to The Gregorian calendar, we have changed decades. I’m still kind of bamboozled about it for a couple of reasons.

No longer can we say ‘in 20’s’ and mean 1920s. We need the distinction now.

But also, 2000’s is the era of music. All of my favorite songs are from early-to-mid noughties. These songs are now 20 years old. See, I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, but music connects my brain to certain events or feelings. Lyrics are also stored to the back of the brain, to songs I didn’t even know I knew.

My greatest love is music, and always will be.
I can anchor in emotions, feelings, desires, memories through music. It connects certain times in my neuralnet. It’s also the way I get to express myself when words fail me. When I don’t have the emotional intelligence to express my innerbeing, music does that so well.

Music is something I can immerse myself into for hours and hours. I pay attention to each and every single little nuances of the song, the melody, the beat, even the lyrics. With each listen, I learn something new about the song.

I was listening to Britney Spears a few days ago, her first albums and it was interesting to hear it with new ears. I haven’t listened to these songs since they were at the top of the charts. My listening skills have definitely developed and expanded over the last two decades.

Music connects me to my heart center.
It’s a form for me to ground myself. In fact, music brings out the sensuality in me. Lighting up some candles, lotioning my entire body while playing some sexy songs in the background shifts my entire mood. I’m back in my feminine, feeling all of the sensations when I rub and squeeze different parts of my body. I don’t care what I’ve eaten the previous day or even earlier on the day. I have zero guilt. I don’t care what I look like, I don’t loathe myself.

In that moment, I’m tuning within listening to my body.

I’m sensual.

I’m feeling.

I’m being.

It’s like a foreplay but with myself, to myself, for myself. A gift given to me. Music sets the ambience. It’s the aperitif of what’s about to come.

There’s no rush to go anywhere, there’s no pressure, there’s no force, there’s no end destination or goal.

Just relaxing my mind, body, and soul.

Listening to the rhythm of the slow songs as my body responds to the vibration of the beat.

Closing my eyes, fully embracing the entire experience.

Feeling into the sensations of it all.

In today’s society, we’re assumed to perform. To always over-extend ourselves, over-perform. It’s a very goal focused time we live in. And guilt runs rogue when we don’t have a mile long to-do list, next goal to work on, next big thing we need to achieve.

What if we just paused everything?

Eat, Pray, Love summarized this quite well;
“You work too hard. You get brunt out. And then you spend the whole weekend in pajamas in front of the tv. But you don’t know pleasure. You have to be told you’ve earned it.“

What if pleasure is not supposed to be earned? Out of so many other things in life, pleasure just is. Using all of your senses, and feeling into the sensations of it all.

There’s no big goal or destination with pleasure, much the same way music doesn’t have a specific goal other than bringing enjoyment to the listener. All of us have our own unique way of interpreting each song, none better or worse than the other. It merely is.

The divine feminine allows things to just be.
I have been reading and reading about this. Doing my research. Listening to countless books and Abraham Hicks seminars. She says the same thing over and over, just in different ways. And I haven’t understood it until I’ve learned to embody the state of being.

So often, we think pleasuring ourselves or when with a partner there should be a goal. End destination. And that end destination should lead to orgasm, because if it doesn’t it’s somehow a failure. It’s seen as a negative thing. “But you didn’t orgasm, did I do something wrong?”, “He never orgasms when we’re together, he must not like me in that way.”, “Why can’t he orgasm, I’ve tried every one of my tricks… I must not be desirable enough for him to be able to orgasm.”

We’ve managed to make ourselves think we are not sexy enough, desirable enough, wanted or valued… better yet, there’s something wrong with us if we cannot make our partner orgasm. Why? When did we accumulate this conditioning?

More importantly, what’s the solution in this ideology?

What if there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your desirability? The pressure alone can create internal havoc that you may not even be aware of.

And then on the flip side, we’re such a quick paced society that we don’t even take the time out to enjoy the pleasures, tune within how everything feels. Because we look at the end goal, the destination. Ever heard of the saying it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.

Whether pleasing yourself or your partner, take a pause. Elongate the experience. If it helps, say “Tonight, there’s no goal, there’s no rush, no force. Let’s focus on the feelings and the enjoyment. Let’s listen to each other’s bodies without a specific destination.”

Use the aperitif to feed the insatiable hunger. Do not make it about the performance itself rather listen to the nuances of each element.

Take away the focus from worrying about how you look, instead focus on how it feels to touch your body or your partner’s body. Tune into their sensations and how your touch makes them respond.

I’ll leave you with a couple of the songs that get me in sensual mood. I highly suggest making a playlist of your own so you can come back to it whenever you desire.

Jill Scott – The fact is (I need you)
(most songs by Jill Scott always gets me in the mood, she is in her feminine power. Her energy is infectious.)

Floetry – Say Yes

Marsha Ambrosius – Late nights & Early mornings

Whitney Houston – Oh Yes

Christina Aguilera – Loving me 4 me

H.E.R – Facts

Beyonce – Dangerously in love

Erykah Badu – Kiss me on my neck

Kiana Lede – I choose you

Shenseea – Foreplay

Boundaries are self-care

I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians, yes I watch the show. Don’t judge. Kourtney, the eldest sister, has set several boundaries around what she wants to share on camera. And her relationships and dating status isn’t one of them. Kim & Khloe share a lot of their drama and what goes on in their lives, quite vulnerably too. And at the end, they wanted to have this conversation of what should be shared… on camera.

I get it, it’s part of their job to talk about these things. This show has set the foundation for the family to be where they’re at today. I’m not even talking about the show itself, I’m talking about… boundaries.

The more famous you get, the more blurry things are on what you want shared and what shouldn’t be shared. If you’ve been reading my posts or follow me on my social media, you know there are clear boundaries I’ve set. And one of them is, my relationship status and dating life. I share certain aspects of it when it makes sense, and something of the past. Never while it’s happening nor any details of it, that’s private to just me, him and our dynamic. I am very protective of the relationships I have, be it friendships or romantic. They’re very sacred to me and I treat them with utmost respect. I don’t speak ill of anyone, especially about the man.

That’s how I am in real life too tho. What you see is what you get with me. If someone tries to interject into my relationships or the status of it, I kill that convo real quick. Even my best friend doesn’t ask about it, she knows if I want to say something I’ll go to her.

Forgiveness is a strength and not a weakness. I am allowed to forgive people but still not accept their behaviors. I’m also allowed to protect my space. I am allowed to choose who I want in my life and who I do not. I’m also allowed to wish people well and sincerely mean it. Doesn’t mean I have to be their best friend. I want nothing but beautiful blessings for EVERYBODY that has ever been in my life. Regardless of what they have done or not done to me.

Khloe Kardashian

You chose your career, you should just grin and bear it.
I follow some very successful bloggers from Finland, and see this sentence or ideology come up a lot. As if the hate mail should be tolerated because they’re just “airheaded bimbos” who “only” create social media content without having actually anything valid to say. First off, do you know how challenging it is to continuously create content, content that’s interesting and that sells? Secondly, do you know anything about entrepreneur life? It’s not all unicorns and rainbows all of the time.

Same thing with the Kardashians, on a very much blown-up, larger scale. They chose this kind of lifestyle. What do they actually do, how do they add value in our society? They have no right in complaining about where they’re at, they should just take the punches and move along. I know, they don’t add much value to our lives… other than entertainment, if even that to most people. But if any one of the family members wants to set a boundary on what areas of their life they want to share on-camera, the others should come in support of it. Not judge it. These conversations should be happening in privacy as well. Yes, it’s great tv. It may or may not be staged. Yes, it makes you think if this is actually the beginning of the end of the show itself.

Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, it became the butterfly.
As human beings, we evolve on a daily basis. Who you were two years ago, a year ago, 5 months ago, a month ago, a week or even a day ago is not the same person who you are today. Your judgments and your boundaries can change, and you have every right to change them.

People have been complimenting me how vulnerable and authentic I am lately. What you may not know, is this is done with a lot of intention behind-the-scenes. I do it on purpose. My brand, my content, and my everyday-version-of-me are very much aligned in who I am as a person. It shows. Over the years, I’ve needed to learn who I am at my core. I’m still learning, I’m shifting and sorting through the continuous changes in my life. When I see a strong woman expressing their boundaries so gracefully and beautifully, it inspires me. I take some of it on-board when it resonates.

I need to know who I am, and what I can tolerate, not just within my relationships but in all areas of my life. If you don’t know who you are as a person, how can you set any boundaries lest communicate them? The more I am respectful of myself, the more respect I receive. It’s an energetic thing that you just feel. Much the same way how a man demands to be respected. When the connection is real and genuine, you don’t need to play games or show off.

I was once broken but now I’m found again.
Don’t get me wrong though, I wasn’t always this way. There was once upon a time when I didn’t know much about boundaries. I didn’t know how to set them, or if I did, I didn’t keep to them. I lacked in boundaries. My self-esteem was six feet under, and I took anything and everything that wanted me around. All I wanted was to please everyone around me, even at the cost of my own health. It led to some very poor judgments, and ultimately complete destruction of myself.

No one is to blame, not even myself. You see, when you’re broken you’re like a blank canvas – you get to start fresh. It taught me everything I needed to know. Honestly, I don’t think I would be able to teach anyone the stuff that I do teach if it wasn’t for those few shitty years. I’m grateful for the pain. I’m grateful for the lessons. I’m grateful to know what I don’t want so that I get to know what I actually do want.

Wounded feminine is just that; she lacks in boundaries, she’s insecure and needy, she tends to people please everyone around her at the cost of her own well-being, she’s co-dependent, she portrays to be the victim in any situation, and she’s inauthentic.

I was all of those things and then some. It’s taken me years of self-discovery, reflection and building myself from ground up. But I’ve forgiven myself a long time ago, for not knowing better. I’ve done the best I can with what I had at any given moment.

What I’ve learned over the last few years, I now get to teach other amazing women.

Boundaries are self-care.
It is the basis of how you desire to be treated. If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect anyone else to respect you? You can only be as intimate with a partner as you are with yourself. If either elements scare you or make you uncomfortable, the feminine within you may need to be healed.

Just BE. Just BREATHE.

The men who are in my life currently are extremely supportive of me. Sometimes it’s hard for me to receive all of it.

Be selective, be reflective.
The more I know who I am, the more I know what I want and my own worthiness, the more they treat me with respect. But I’m very selective of the men I desire, of the men who I allow in my presence. Partially because I have high standards and not many can live up to them, but partially because I’m currently at capacity of what I can give to anyone.

My sole focus has been on me, on my healing and on my spiritual journey. This blog started when I didn’t know how to navigate through the love interest of polyamorous man, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Of this past year, of how everything has unfolded for me. At the beginning of the year, I knew nothing about open relating. My only idea of it was the experience with the guy who broke me. So, I thought history would be repeating itself. In ways, it has. I’m actually gratefully that it has because it’s been very healing.

This man whom I met early on in the year triggers the shit out of me. He challenges me in ways I don’t always care to be challenged. It is completely new way of relating with anyone, so old paradigm rules do not apply with him. It’s frustrating at times. And I do question a lot, I get in my head. Then again, I’ve always gotten in my head about the guys I’m interested in. That’s the exact reason why he’s in my life; he will continue to trigger my past trauma, rejection complex and abandonment issues.

When I do express my authentic truth with him though, he shows up in support of me. He surprises me in ways I can’t explain. He says the exact things I do need to hear. It’s hot and cold with him. Am I okay with that? Is that enough for me?

Love’s primary purpose is growth.
Then there’s another part of me… that’s reserved just for someone. He requires absolutely nothing at all from me. It’s easy being with him. He reads me so well, he gets into my subconscious. It’s on another level. And I’m always excited to hear from him. No matter how much time passes by, I just want to be in his presence. He makes me get in this space that is unexplainable.

It’s far from perfect either. No love is. Love’s primary purpose is growth. Without a doubt. Because of these men in my life, I’ve grown quite rapidly this year. And it all started in the beginning of the year. I knew when the year started that something major was about shift in my life. Something was coming, and I didn’t know it at the time what that was. The journey to the States changed everything. The blog wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for that adventure, none of the relationship coaching would be in my life, I wouldn’t be working on any of the projects that I currently am if it wasn’t for these events leading me to do the work that I am.

You create your life.
I’ve been working through some shadow stuff. I keep questioning if I am meant to be living the life I currently am. Is it enough? Or do I want more than what I am given? I said I am at capacity of giving parts of myself… but could I find my primary partner? Can I maintain the relationship with these men if I am partnered up? Would he be able to accept me exactly as I am, meaning would he be able to be in a polyamorous relationship? Do I actually have the capacity to love more than one person romantically?

It is more than just being a good time with someone at this stage in my life. It is the connection I crave for, chemistry, intimacy, endless conversations, making out with no intention for it to lead to sex. That kind of chemistry happens once in a blue moon… and I’ve been blessed with having two of them in my life. What exactly am I then complaining about? Oh yeah, the title. Something I’d written about before to not be that woman who needs to be claimed by him. You can get that man without asking for the title.

Empowered feminine allows things to just be.
What I’m mostly learning is to allowing things to just be. There’s no force of any kind… for anything. I create my reality, and I didn’t want to hear that because I was in my woe is me mode. I didn’t want to take responsibility for my thoughts though I felt it coming, I just wasn’t aware of what it was. It’s my deep rejection and abandonment wounds, the ones that I rather not deal with.

“The moment when the pain is greatest is a wonderful opportunity. The ego would prefer that we never look too directly into the pain.”

– Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

I didn’t want to. But I did it anyway, I faced my own resistance and dealt with the pain. In that moment, I knew exactly what it was. I expressed gratitude for it, too. All of it is helping me heal, guiding me to expand. As my wounds heal, so does the extent in which I can love.

For once, I don’t need to have a plan, I don’t ned to know where this goes. Title is just a title at the end of the day. There’s nowhere I need to be, nothing I need to do. It’s all about embracing these moments. So I’m learning, unlearning and relearning a lot through these men. I can’t control him. And that’s what’s providing so much of the healing. It’s funny how much I want to be in control of things, every little thing. Yet the one person whom I can’t control, is giving me most of my freedom. So I’m surrendering it all, not just in the bedroom but letting all expectations, all of the planning and all of the thinking, go.

This continuous development, knowledge, awakening and reflection helps me in determining what I desire out of life. I create my life, and I take full responsibility in it. I don’t always like it, in fact I may throw some sass into it but I am getting exactly what I need.

All that’s needed of me, is to just be.

And that is feeding into my feminine more than anything else.

Strive for growth

Twice now in a short period of time, I’ve retaliated with two different men in two different occasions. The men that I’m drawn to are alpha males; they prefer order, structure, and logic. They’re assertive, demand respect, and strive for growth.

 

Many women are unable to truly deal with alpha male.
Why? Because when they’re not in their feminine power, they start complaining about the man that never does anything right. Or they are stubborn and get in their own way.

Men need to see the value that you bring to them, and when you’re constantly complaining or in your emotions too much, they start withdrawing from you.

There are unbalanced alpha males, too. These men tend to take advantage of their power and they use manipulation as a way to get your attention. And I’ve definitely had my fair share of these types of men in the past. You know “the work” (the energy work you do behind the scenes) is working when this is no longer your truth. You’re no longer drawn to or even attracted to these types of men.

I’m thankful for these balanced alpha men in my life, because they share so much wisdom with me. Not only do they allow me to be me but they’re always willing to share their thoughts with me. And if I wouldn’t be empowered in my feminine, I wouldn’t be able to deal with such strong-willed men.

 

Men always share what they’re capable of giving.
It is not that men cannot communicate with what they’re able to give to us, it’s just us women are unable to listen. Men keep things simple: black is black, white is white, blue is blue. But us women often start questioning if he says blue, does he actually mean teal, turquoise, or cerulean?

So when we have this expectation of what we desire and then he’s unable to give that, that’s where disappointments occur. If he says he can’t talk during weekends, you have to respect that. It’s a boundary he is creating; do not seek him out on weekends. Respecting him, and respecting his boundaries, goes further than what you may realize.

With my stubborn ass, not willing to take onboard what he communicated with me, on both occasions they put me in my place. They expressed what they needed from me but more than that they told me how they want to be treated.

 

If you want to be treated like a Queen, treat him like a King.
Listen to him, be assertive to what he is asking or telling you, and come from a place of understanding. Men really desire to be understood, and in that understanding, it allows him to bring more closeness. You understand that you’re beyond the reward or fate of him. You understand his flaws and some of his weaknesses, and it won’t be charged against him. Men won’t bring everything to you, they will give you bits and pieces based on their level of comfort and trust in you. As a woman, it is part of your responsibility to create the space for him to be able to trust you, and come to you in his time of need.

My reactions took me back though, I’m not used to letting my guard down when it comes to men. I don’t let them see the emotional side of me. As I mentioned in the beginning, alpha men are logical beings.

Logic trumps emotions.

If you want him to show up more emotionally intimate with you, you have to come from a place of balance and centeredness. You have to have a level of anchoring about you. The man is attracted to the subtleness and calm that a woman brings.

This was great reflection for me to ponder about, something that only my closest friends have seen about me. I get stubborn as hell, and that stubbornness gets in my own damn way. They’ve pointed it out to me once or twice… but to have a man whom I appreciate and value see this side, it’s not something I want to bring to him. It’s not his responsibility to deal with.

 

Men are natural problem solvers.
They’re always looking for a solution. Sometimes us women want to just vent and rant, to get the day out of our system, and when the man is looking for a solution to the problem that you give him, you get even more upset. If you don’t want him to come up for a solution for the non-problem that you have, state that at the beginning of the conversation. “I’ve had a shitty day and I just want to vent for a little bit, I want to be heard and supported even though nothing is actually wrong.” Something along those lines tells him, there’s nothing to be “fixed”, you merely want understanding from him.

However, if you do go to him asking for an opinion or advice on something, be willing to hear his input. Again, men want to be understood. They desire to be treated with appreciation, especially when they come up with a solution to your problem that you‘ve asked for an opinion.

If you’re going to ask a question that you know the answer to, then why ask when you already have a solution for it? Keep it simple.

It’s like that old adage of when a woman asks the man “Do I look fat in this?” The man doesn’t know how to answer because he knows she’s not looking for a logical answer. Whatever he answers, won’t be the right one. Don’t be surprised if he’s already emotionally checked out before you even ask. Men are intuitive too, and they do pick up on the cues of a woman. Don’t take their silence as a sign to mean anything, they just honestly don’t have a logical answer to you. And please, do not start an argument over this… better yet, avoid this question altogether. He will find a way to compliment you if/when he deems it right, allow him to do so in his own time.

 

Appreciate the men who keep it real, honest & authentic.
Now that I know there’s the stubbornness that doesn’t always like the answer I receive from him, I also know to tread lightly when I’m in a certain mood. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of. It is one of my unique flaws, but it’s an awareness and reflection that I needed to receive in order to see what to work on.

Despite the retaliation, I did not create drama out of it. I desire the men around me to not just call me on my bullshit but to put me in my place too, when needed. I quickly course-corrected my behavior. I know when I’ve been in the wrong, and I’m not afraid to apologize (my ego doesn’t agree). Moreover, I accept the consequences that come from my behavior.

When he explains to me what he needs or how he wants to be treated instead, I am appreciative of it. He is letting me into his world, he is setting the expectations and the boundaries for me to not cross anymore. I’m a quick learner – you don’t have to tell me twice to learn a lesson.

My expectation is to always keep it real, keep it honest and be authentically you. We are all having a human experience on this planet, we are all flawed in many ways, it’s part of the process. The difference between an empowered feminine woman is that you don’t lose your poise, you handle any situation with grace without creating drama. You go back to the drawing board, and reflect on what’s been mirrored back to you. That is the only way to learn. It’s the only way to grow.

Whatever you do, it is not his responsibility to deal with your emotions. You can vulnerably share them with him, but he cannot help how you react in any situation.

Allow situations like these make you more mature in your responses, and watch your relationship flourish when you do. The growth the man sees in you will be magnetizing to him even more.

 

Empowered Submission

Submission is so much more than just sexual.

It is surrendering to his timing. It is giving him space when he asks for it. It is holding space for him with whatever it is he is going through.

Surrendering is allowing him to take the lead.

Respecting him, never speaking ill of him. Even when he isn’t in the room.

Understanding him and his needs.

Putting trust in him that he won’t harm you, inflict pain yes. Not to destroy you but to uplift you. To make you stronger. To help you grow, as a person and even more so as a woman.

To surrender means to release your control.

And I think we often don’t allow ourselves to just be. Empowered feminine embodies the mystical way of flowing.

Allowing the masculine to be in control is servicing his needs which in turn feeds right into your feminine.

Are you cockblocking yourself?

It may be obvious or it may be quite subtle. It even might be layered.

Maybe you’re creating drama when he doesn’t behave in the way you expect or desire him to.

Maybe you’re creating perpetual crises when he doesn’t do what you want him to.

Maybe you’re in your victim-mindset, or woe is me.

Maybe he is rejecting you because you expect him to. Deep down. Deep deep down. Because it’s the norm for you.

Maybe you have never-ending evidence of not being enough; you could never be worthy of a man like him.

These are some of the reasons what would cause you to sabotage the relationship with the man you desire the most.

But you’re not in control of any of it…

Accept him exactly as he is. If he doesn’t initiate contact by trusting that he will find you when he wants your presence. Especially in the early stages, he may not be giving much away so you can’t possibly know what’s going on for him.

Having patience and trusting in his timing are also part of submission.

Love him despite of his flaws, and have radical focus on yourself. Because unconditional love is extremely important in divine feminine submission.

Submission is also…

Helping him with something important. It’s taking the time to take care of him or offering assistance.

Showing kindness to him. Checking on him (without crossing boundaries).

It’s accepting him even on his bad days when he doesn’t want to get out of bed.

Respecting his decision when he may not want to initiate contact with you or if he wants to just relax.

Continuous communication on both of your needs, desires, wishes, and wants.

Complimenting his hard work. Praising him.

Divine feminine is showing care from full cup.
It’s showing up vulnerably. Vulnerability to men is sacred.

It is also self-reflection, whilst he may not be physically with you and if he’s still not far from your thoughts, what is he teaching you? What are you learning about yourself along the way?

Showing gratitude whenever you can. Being thankful for his presence in your life, how you appreciate and how much value he brings into your life.

It’s loving him with all your heart (don’t be surprised if your heart chakra starts opening too by way of his divine dominance), and showing the realest, most authentic you that you can.

Empowered submission results in more love, joy, connection, relaxation, trust, orgasm, profound healing, emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Also, you can say goodbye to dry pvssy. When you have patience and trust in him, he will take you to depths unlike you’ve never experienced before.

Health is wealth

I’m not a victim of my circumstances. Ever. I always have the power to choose, which is both a blessing and a curse. In those moments when I feel weak, tired and anxiety ridden, I don’t wanna face any decisions. The smallest of things enhances my negative emotions, even something simple as what to make for dinner.

You are not your emotions.
Your emotions should not dictate your idea of success or a good day. Whether or not you get something done, shouldn’t be a measure of your success.

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been in my “woe is me” mentality for sometime now in an area of my life. I have a handle on majority parts of my life, these past weeks I’ve been focused on what I desire out of next year. What my intentions are for financial goals and what my focus should be relationship wise.

Everything is interlinked.
Finances & relationships go hand in hand. Money is masculine energy, and money is eager to please the feminine that wants to be pleased. Sex and sales are also from the same energy. And as I’m finding out, weight and wealth has correlation to each other.

My finances have steadily been increasing. No, I’ve not made more money than previously. I’ve been cleaning my act and doing the behind the scenes energy work around money. I know where it goes and I don’t say yes to things that I really don’t need. I trust myself with money. I trust my intuition. The more I listen to my intuition, the more it gives me guidance. And it was there all along! It was tuned out due to the external noise, and pleasing everyone else… except her.

Surpassing the conditioning.
Where I’ve been holding grudge and judgment however, has been my body weight. I’m from a generation that idealized size 0. Growing up in a small town also meant that they didn’t have clothes for bigger bodies. All the tv shows I watched consisted of people with tiny bodies and anything outside of it, was not accepted. I was always the biggest girl in my class.

This is no longer true in today’s society. We have all shapes and sizes, and each is beautiful in their own right. Seriously.

I only get uncomfortable when I see a very obese person. It makes me uncomfortable because I never wanna reach that level of obesity. It has absolutely nothing to do with the person but everything to do with my perception of what human body should look like. It’s been my conditioning.

The man who pointed out my weight gain stirred hell of a lot of emotion in me (I wrote about it previously here). It took me about two months to approach him again and tell him my emotions authentically. And I’m glad I told him how I felt, he helped me flip the story. He triggers the shit out of me so that I can heal those parts that need some tender, love & care. As a result of me sharing how his words made me feel, he sent me a heartfelt video message of encouragement.

You have to go through the mud.
I don’t believe in affirmations alone. They do help but on their own, without emotional response, they mean absolutely nothing. You have to do the work from a subconscious level. If fundamentally you don’t believe you are worthy of the man, the money, the body or whatever else you desire, you won’t get any of it. There’s this new school of thought that makes you believe it’s all hunky dory, that everything’s just unicorns and rainbows. Sure, it will get to that point eventually. And it is the direct result of your willingness do the work required. Nothing in this world is handed to you just because. How willing are you to go through the mud to get to the good stuff?

It isn’t just the video or his words. It isn’t just one thing that has led me to this point. His words wouldn’t have meant anything at all if I didn’t believe I was worthy of hearing them. I’ve done the energetic work, I’ve done the work on a subconscious level and my actions are now matching that.

As within, so without.
But this follows the same exact formula as any other thing; how you do anything is how you do everything. Abundance is a mindset. How do you handle money when you have very little in your bank account? How do you keep yourself feeling abundant even when the evidence says you have barely anything to survive? Weight works much the same way; how do you feel sexy, vibrant & confident even when you feel like the biggest elephant in the room?

My body weight says nothing about my worth nor how confidence I can be. Yes, it does have an effect health wise, even sexually. What I’m trying to say though that my weight no longer weighs on how worthy or confident I feel. In other words, I’m learning abundance even when the physical evidence says otherwise.

If nothing else, I have that recording to go back to as a reminder when I forget my own beauty. On a foundational level, this really is more about building my worthiness and confidence than anything else. And even the past version of me, I no longer want to compete with you either. I use you as my motivation to strive for better, healthier, more vibrant version of me.

My admiration of my physique from 9 years ago, from 3 years ago, from a year ago is motivation for me. It does not mean I don’t love myself exactly as I am today. I am sending little love notes to the past versions of me, telling her exactly how I proud I am of her, how amazing human and woman she is, how I forgive her for treating herself like shit all this time. That I have her back today, and that the next season of me has had both of our backs all along.

That’s true healing.

I want you to know…

Your confidence will turn more heads than a nice body and cute face will.

Own who you are, flaws and all.

You’re worthy beyond comprehension, and you deserve the world.

Absorbing the weekend

These last four days have been nothing short of magic. I feel like I’m on a spiritual initiation, something way bigger is happening than what I can comprehend. But everything is aligning divinely. When something major happens in my life, I like to reflect back. As I was preparing to write this post, I was at peace just expressing my gratitude toward a conversation that happened earlier today, a black and white feather appeared on my window. Of course I look up the meaning behind it, and what I received was sense of protection, and union. My biggest takeaway from it was that I’m always protected from situations and places which I literally been thinking of this past week. And that there’s a new union being formed which I feel with every fiber of my being. I can’t even make this stuff up.

Also, I guess I’ve indirectly asked spirit to show me the gifts that I have within me. Seeing a feather would indicate clairsentience (clear feeling). My intuition is super strong but I’ve needed to learn to distinguish my fears and intuition; two completely different things. I’ve ignored the message because I’ve kinda forgotten that I asked for it, so feathers have been popping left and right in various forms. Spirit will keep showing you till you get the message, sometimes it will throw a rock at you to get your attention. Thankfully, not this time though.

Your new life is going to cost your your old one.
This full moon in Aries is a completely new feeling to me. I’m shedding some old skin to create new one. To embark this new chapter, this part of my journey, it’s both scary and exhilarating. Scary because I’m being pushed to do something I don’t quite know what it’ll do and I’ve never in a million years thought I’d get involved in. It’s gonna take me a minute to adjust to even think of entering that world, but partially I already have. All I can do, is surrender myself to it. Trust that the same spirit is protecting me as I do enter this world unknown to me. It will unfold all on its own without me being in control of any of it.

Which is quite extraordinary because on Saturday I completed Femdom training by only the best of the best, Jet Setting Jasmine. She is huge inspiration to me, on so many levels. By investing in her, I invested in myself and learned so much in the three hour training! It has been my intention to collaborate with her and when this masterclass came about, I knew I needed it. Didn’t necessarily want to do the training but I needed it.

Sunday I was extremely tired after the training, I was still buzzing off it. So I did sleep for quite a bit. It was a challenge to wakeup at all, at some stage I crawled out of my bed onto the couch to converse with my flatmate and saw she started organizing the kitchen. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, going back to bed for a little while till I had had enough. It was time to tackle the kitchen together with her! You have no idea the state it was in prior to reorganizing it! I’m naturally prone to anxiety, and when closets/cabinets are full of stuff without structure, it can easily add to it. So, we tackled it and got it organized! Now it’s a joy to work in the kitchen and use it – it’s still little awkward but that’s because this apartment was built to be an apartment hotel not an actual live-in apartment. After living here for nearly two weeks, it’s slowly starting to feel like a home to me. Still have some bits and bobs to work through. One step at a time.

Monday morning was exactly what I needed to have. My submissive came out to play after months of hiatus. It felt incredible. I was reprimanded for not using a safe word though, part of it was not daring to use it but most of it was me testing my own limits. I needed to know I can handle it. The end result was tinnitus in my right ear which was a completely new sensation and it faded quickly, it was just in that particular moment.

There was a submissive meetup in the evening which I’m so glad I went to! I was utterly exhausted, and started dropping while there. They knew exactly what was up and checked on me continuously. I started tearing up, for no apparent reason. Well, there was a reason. The feelings that followed were being down, melancholic, feeling guilt, lethargic.. mostly I was worried about him. How he’s doing. And I didn’t allow any man into my space, even if they tried to converse with me, I shut it down real quick. All I wanted was to know he’s okay and I would’ve done anything to be cuddled by him.

Men need to see the value you bring in order to invest into you.
But here’s the thing, if he’s unavailable to give me what I need, I ensure that I allow myself to receive it in other ways. This time, I received it from other women. They’re nurturing, caring, motherly.

Even with my emotional rollercoaster, I will never ever demand anything from a man. That’ll only put a strain on the dynamic. I can gently ask for it but I allow the space for him to agree to it or decline it.

Do I wish I was able to cuddle with him? Sure. That’s part of my aftercare. But I don’t create drama out of it if he can’t give me what I need.

If he’s unavailable, how can you fill those needs in a different way? He’s taught me to be attentive to my own needs when he can’t be around. So, I created a sub kit for myself of the things I need.

Sub drops can be intense.
I’m deep and I’m intense, and not many men can handle that. In fact, much of it hasn’t made sense to me until I got to know my submissive. So it only clicked with me that my drops are intense as well.

My thoughts went to the deepest insecurities I have, it triggered my

  • insecurities
  • rejection complex
  • abandonment issues

I observed the thoughts without attachment. It was actually good I got some time and distance because I don’t want to come out of reactive mode. I need the time to reflect and recuperate on my own. So I’m always grateful when these are being presented to me, I can honestly work through them and see what areas still need to be worked on. And that’s not his responsibility, it’s completely on me to be willing to do the work necessary.

Kink and submission isn’t for the faint-hearted.
This morning when I woke up, I was still affected by yesterday. Still in my drop haze. I messaged him at a reasonable hour but didn’t hear back from him. All of the emotions flooding through me, it was just something I needed to observe and feel in my body rather than attach myself to the thoughts.

The only way to understand these feelings, is if you’ve gone through them yourself. I was trying to explain it to my best friend but because she’s not been through it, she doesn’t understand. How I described is it feels like as if you’re weaning off a drug, the body needs to rebuild the chemicals back up. It takes time to balance itself. The other submissives did remind me how I need to put myself as my number one priority and need to be gentle with myself for the next day or two.

When he finally replied to me, he apologized for the silence. Even using the word ghosting. Funny enough, that did not cross my mind once. I knew he’d be in contact when he could and I’ve also done helluva lot of work around being ghosted. It’s not something I ever really worry about anymore.

He is teaching me to show up in the most authentic version of myself. At all times. It felt so good expressing everything that went on in the past 24 hours but also just having an amazing conversation with him. It fed my soul on so many levels.

Everything happens for a reason, and there are no coincidences.
This full moon has changed my life, something has just shifted within me. I don’t know if it is because of the astrological energies going around or if it is because I’ve done a lot of work energetically and physically to purge what no longer serves me, for the new version of me to come through. Maybe it’s a combination of all.

I’m just so grateful to have people and resources to provide what I need at any given time. That way I’m not reliant on just him, especially if he cannot give me what I ask for. And in return, it doesn’t put a strain on our dynamic.

Overall, I feel more confidence, more capable, more supported, more loved. Maybe even unstoppable. This weekend will go down as one of the most memorable, majestic, and marvelous experiences of 2019. This entire year has been incredible, in its ups and downs. And I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

Sometimes distance is needed, for each of you to evolve, to grow. It may appear as if he’s ghosted you but if you learn to trust the process, you’ll learn to understand why. Everything happens for a reason, absolutely everything.

Emotional Intimacy

Many times I’ve tried to start this post. Many times I’ve failed. This is raw and real, it’s vulnerable and something I don’t particularly like to share. I don’t like to share about this because of the shame and guilt around it — but the pain is turned into strength only when you can shed some light on it.

A little while ago, the man I’m very fond of encouraged me to talk to my dad. To be honest with dad of how I feel and how he’s made me feel over the course of my lifetime. Let it be known, I love my dad and I am daddy’s girl. Always have been and always will be. Even still, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have boundaries in place nor keep quiet when I need his support, emotionally.

What you may also want to know is that I’m a spoiled brat. Well, I can be. I’ve said in therapy I’ve always gotten what I’ve wanted from my parents, not what I’ve needed. Meaning they got me all of the toys, the clothes (that I could fit), the makeup, the CD’s, the gadgets.. that I ever wanted. Even the hobbies that I wanted to try and didn’t keep because I lost my patience in seeing it through. Because I wasn’t good at it, I felt like a failure and gave up.

Deepest wounds are mirrored through unexpected sources.
So, expressing to dad how I truly feel… I couldn’t even bear that thought! In the same sentence, the man who encouraged me to talk to dad, said exactly what my dad has always said; Sara, it looks like you’ve gained weight. Have you? You should get a handle on it before it gets worse. I’m just concerned about your health.

I shut down. How dare he comment on my body? Who does he think he is saying all of those things about me… I mean, I know I’ve gotten fatter but he didn’t have to point it out to me. I don’t wanna talk to him for awhile. Were some of the thoughts that went through my mind after we ended the conversation. Emotionally I felt angry, sad, upset, ashamed, guilty, tearful. My entire body was trembling.

The patterns keep repeating themselves.
My happiness has kind of been dependent on my bodyweight. I feel more empowered and confident the lesser I weigh. But the opposite is also true; I feel hella uncomfortable, ashamed and guilty for when I gain it back. And my dad would be extremely delighted for when I looked “healthy”, aka lost some weight. I cannot tell how many times in my lifetime have I had the most uncomfortable conversation with him around my health and my weight. So, for this man to point it out to me whilst advising to talk to my dad… it took me right there back to the conversations, and I felt most embarrassed that 1) I’d gain most of the weight back again, and 2) why did he of all of the people in the world, have to say just that?

The reason why I didn’t want to talk to him for awhile, is because I needed to process this conversation. He hurt me in ways he didn’t even realize. Yet, I cannot blame him for the way I react to what he’s said. I was triggered, of something I’d already felt for awhile. The relationships we are in always mirror our deepest wounds and insecurities. Some parts of me may have even expected those words by someone I care for because it’s all I have ever known.

My ex-boyfriend used to say the same thing. Another asshole used to make me feel less than if I didn’t do exactly as he said in order to “keep healthy” (read: lose weight). He’d said that you will never get the man of your dreams unless you look a certain way, and I can get you there. Of course, it’d be pointed out again. The cycle will repeat itself… until I take responsibility for myself and heal the deep rooted wounds.

I’m not responsible what happens to me as a child. However, I am responsible in healing the wounded child as an adult. And part of that healing, is having that uncomfortable conversation with dad.

External reality is always a reflection of the inner world.
The word health and staying healthy has a twisted meaning to me. Logically I recognize what that means but emotionally and physically it’s a whole another story. I’ve gone through all ends of the spectrum; not working out, eating very little – overexercising, calculating every single bite of food I have – moderate exercise, eating junk only. This time last year, my body weight was at an all time low despite not exercising very regularly but my food habits were on point. Externally, I looked happy and healthy. Truth of the matter is, I was dying inside, I had just barely conquered my severe depression.

That time in my life, food was my alcohol. Only alcohol you know you need to keep away from, food you still need to eat. By some miracle, I did keep away from foods that I’d overindulge. It is starting to make sense to me now why I have gone up and down and up again, like a yoyo, with my weight.

There is no external solution when you want to manifest anything at all in your life. Not with weight, not with romantic love, not with money. It may seem that way but it always starts from within. You have to be willing to do the internal work to match the outer reality, otherwise the “solution” is only temporary.

I always look for the metaphysical meaning behind any ailments, especially within the body. Below is what Louise Hay says about excess weight, weight gain and overeating.

The probable causes of excess weight are: Fear; need for protection; Running away from feelings; Insecurity, self-rejection, Seeking fulfillment, and others.

Fat is related to Over sensitivity. Often represents fear and shows a need for protection. Fear may be a cover for hidden anger and a resistance to forgive.

Fat in the arms can mean “anger at being denied love.”

Fat on the belly can mean “anger at being denied nourishment” 

Fat on the hips can be “lumps of stubborn anger at the parents”. Even fat on the thighs can be “packed childhood anger, often rage at the father.”

“You can heal your life” by Louise L. Hay

Excess weight is a distorted way of keeping you safe.
As a child, I grew up in quite a stressful environment. To the outsiders, it was just another regular family living in regular home. But to me, it was a form of a nightmare. The only way to keep myself feeling safe and secure, was to numb the pain with food. It has worked until it hasn’t. I still eat to my stress, and I think most people do to some extent. However, the difference with me, is that I can’t stop. That flip stays on.

This definitely has been a journey. While I am strengthening the muscles for self-love despite gaining weight, I have moments of feeling insecure and not wanting to be seen. The shame and the guilt compared to where I was weight wise last year, are present majority of the time. I’ll keep holding on to the 1% of me that still feels sexy, confident and worthy to be loved.

There’ll come a time where the opportunity presents itself to talk to dad about this. It was a great reflection of how I wasn’t ready to face with this at the time this man presented the situation. I could have thought he is abusing me emotionally because it’s no man’s business ever to comment a woman on their weight. But I chose to see it through what it is; care and love. I just didn’t know how to ask to be supported emotionally at the time.

Every experience leads closer back to your authentic self. There’s so much learning through the triggers and the pain.

This is what I’ve learned…

Always take responsibility of my reactions. He is not at fault (neither am I by the by).

Do not blame, shame, or guilt him in any way, shape or form. He cannot help how I react.

If there’s a topic that I don’t feel comfortable talking about, say it. He didn’t know it’s something that’s a deep rooted wound for me.

Clearly express my boundaries. No more of the flight or freeze moments. Situations like these will keep happening, and I cannot avoid them.

Intimacy isn’t always sexy. Sometimes it’s awkward. And sometimes it exposes insecurities, and it won’t feel great.

Learn from the uncomfortable situations and from the pain, they are the biggest teachers. Use the tools and process that I’ve developed over time, these are the same tools I ask my clients to use at similar situations.

When a deep wound or insecurity is being presented, it’s time to deal with it. Do not shun it away.

Confidence is a verb. It’s not a thing that can be learned as such. You can activate it by doing what’s uncomfortable over and over again. It’s deep rooted knowingness of who you are at your core. It will be developed over time.

It’s best not to act based on the reactive emotions. Sexy and confidence isn’t regulated to size.

There are many layers to intimacy, and emotional intimacy is one of them. If you need to be supported emotionally at any point, you do have to ask for it. It’s not always a given thing. Do not be afraid to speak your mind and ask what you need. I have since talked to my dad and even though it was on an unrelated topic, I gently told him what I need from him. And that I understand that his way of supporting me is expressed by gifting me gadgets or through financial support. That was such a healing experience.

Healing daddy issues will be part of my workshop I’m hosting soon. If you want to know more about it, send me a message.

First Fetish Event

I asked on my Instagram, what would you be interested more about, healthy Dom/sub dynamic or my 1st fetish event.. and it was 50/50 for both. So, I am going to write about both but let’s unravel the fetish event first.

A lot’s been shifting and changing for me, in the bestest of ways possible! And I’m all for it. I’m on a vibe especially since I got some energy healing done so I’ma maintain this new high frequency.

So, this event..

I was so nervous going in. In fact, I got drenched on the way to the location. My entire being resisted going there in the first place, I didn’t want to but I got my big girl panties on and went in anyway. What would have happened if I didn’t go would’ve been more devastating than not going. It was time. I’d already been postponing a couple of months while coming to terms with the fact that this is my new norm.

While everything within me said no, I kept saying yes. I couldn’t even find the meet & greet at first, it took me awhile. It was as if everything was pointing danger, danger, don’t go! It was actually one of my more prouder moments that I did go anyway.

Everyone was super welcoming! I was ensured that there’s nothing to worry about, and I can always ask any one if something (or someone) was bothering me. Nothing happens without my consent. The dress code is strictly fetish but you can get creative with what you wear as long as you don’t show up in jeans. The organizers hate jeans of any kind. That won’t give you admission to get in.

I didn’t want to get anything big just in case it wasn’t my kinda thing. So, I just utilized my mesh workout top and faux leather pants, put on some cat ears (which wasn’t even necessary) because my hair was up in two buns.

There aren’t a lot of moments when I get shy or timid anymore but this was one of them. My inner Finnish character traits came right out of me; shy, introverted, timid, short sentenced. Apparently, I also looked a little petrified when I first walked in. After talking to a couple of people, things got a little easier. And the DJ was decent, too.

As the night went on, there were couples starting to play in the main room. Nothing heavy, flogging mainly. I’m not a voyeur but it definitely piqued my curiosity. I wanted to see it all… I wish I’d only have the courage to participate. One step at a time. Showing up was a challenge all on its own.

See, the thing is, safety is the number one thing for this event (as it should be for all!). Not once did I feel unsafe, they ensured beforehand that if I feel someone is harassing or doing something without my liking, security is always around. Or I can ask any one of the regulars to help me. In fact, it was more secure than any ‘vanilla’ club I’d ever been to. Sure, people dress up differently and you’ll see more chains than anywhere else but no one creeps on you or tries to get close to you without your consent.

The fetish event(s) are exactly that – fetishes. There’s a dress code for it, and you cannot wear jeans walking in as I mentioned above. But you’ll also see chains, whips, collars, and lots of latex. Mesh / fishnet is very popular as well which is my personal favorite.
If you don’t know this, having a collar means that you’re owned by someone. And it’s at times even inappropriate to approach a collared sub without the Dom’s approval, there’s whole etiquette around this that I’m still learning. Collars tend to be considered as equivalent to engagement rings in ‘vanilla’ world.

Consent, consent, consent. I cannot stress this enough, but this is highly important especially during play parties. If you’re new in the scene, you don’t have to worry about anything because absolutely nothing happens without your approval or consent. The reason why healthy Dom/sub dynamics work so well, is because they continuously go through their agreements of what’s enjoyable and what’s a hard no.

Before a couple plays, they have previously agreed to their terms and conditions exactly what they want from the play time, given around the rules of the club the party is held at. Safe words are always agreed upon, too. And I was told beforehand, no means no. If I don’t agree to something or if I’d ever be touched even non-consensually and I’d say no, it is respected. Also the person is going to get kicked out, that’s how serious they are about safety.

Other rules for the event was basic politeness goes along way, keep a safe distance during play scene (backswing’s a bitch!), maintain respectful silence around scenes, don’t touch other people’s toys or bodies without permission, disrespectful behavior will get you kicked out. This was a no sex club, no full frontal nudity, no blood or water play. Most importantly, if you choose to participate in playing, only do so to your own comfort levels.

I knew submissives have the final say in a lot of ways but to see it in action was empowering to me. The dominant man cannot do whatever he wants to the helpless woman. Rather the submissive needs to know their own limits and bring them up before anything else.

As I was walking in, I thought to myself I cannot believe this is my new norm, this is what my lifestyle is gonna be like from hereon out. Maybe that’s why I resisted it so much, partially because it’s the unknown that I wasn’t fully sure what I’d walk into. Mostly because I am mourning of the part of me that’s leaving my past behind, yet feeling excited to step into this new upleveled version of me. I’ve been laying the foundation, doing the inner work and it was time for me to show it externally as well.

I am the person who I’ve been looking for all of these years. I got to connect with likeminded people. I got to connect with the deeper parts of me that have been hidden for so many years. While part of me felt scared, and as I’m still adjusting to these new parts of me, I am feeling freer than ever. This is what I’m supposed to be doing. It feels pretty damn good to be able to merge all the parts of me that have been scattered, alone, scared into unity, support, and unconditional love.

Lessons I walked away with;

– Be comfortable with your own body. Your shape, size, color, or fetish does not matter. Everyone was so comfortable expressing themselves, and anyone with any bit of insecurities about their body would benefit from going to a kink event at least once. The confidence these women had was just something else.

– Everyone has their own special fetishes, this is not a place for judgment.

– Express your boundaries, at all times.

– Erotica, fantasies and sex is the most normal thing of life. The openness these people had was refreshing to me, I even blushed a few times. Talking about it online and in real life are two complete different things. Be authentically yourself, both online and in the real world.

– Being flogged by a rigger is an innate need for a lot of people. It sounds crazy, but it’s like a massage for those who enjoy it. It’s a form of stress relief without getting a happy ending, instead you’re sore and bruised the next day. There’s so much pleasure in that.

– It’s great to do your research, and lay out the foundation. However inaction is what’s going to keep you at standstill. Be courageous and do the thing that scares you the most. People won’t bite, unless you ask them to.

– Go at your own pace, you don’t have to do everything at once. Reflect on what you enjoyed, what aspects fit in to your life, and explore your inner needs. You wouldn’t have been introduced to kink, if you weren’t ready to meet those aspects of yourself.

I’m a firm believer of peer support, even getting one-on-one support especially when it is a lifestyle change or dipping your feet into the world of kink/bdsm. I would be honored if I could support you in this journey. If you want to have a chat with me, go to my calendar and book your complimentary call.

Real Life Jane the Virgin

It’s been a minute since I’ve written a decent blog post, but so much has been going on that I’ve not really been in a writing mood. In fact, I’ve challenged myself to do more audio content and especially record videos. It is as much for you as it is for me; you get to connect with me on a more personal, intimate level, and I get to challenge myself despite the voice in my head making all of the remarks about why I’m not good enough to do it.

But I have so much to say. I’m flooded with inspiration. You can imagine this moment being in Jane Villanueva’s bedroom when the words are just flooding out of her, behind her on the screen.

Goodbyes are doors opening for something better.
You see when I was a child, I hated goodbyes. I hated leaving a holiday, or when my cousin would go back to her town. I felt like I was left behind. Vacation time, or something out of the ordinary, was my escape from the routine. It was a time when I got to bond with someone, whether it was my parents being in a better mood or I got to play with my cousin, or sometimes even both. For a moment, I didn’t have to deal with reality; the bullying, the loneliness, the void that was in my heart.

As I’m watching the final episode of Jane the Virgin, the emotions are flooding in. I still don’t like endings.

There are lots of changes happening in my life currently that it’s hard to fathom it. Physical move of apartments feels like an ending, and I have a hard time letting go of it. For exactly 4 years, this has been my home. My sanctuary. It was an upgrade from where I was living at the time, it had all of the amenities one could ever hope for. It’s spacious, I even have my own bathtub. And for the first time I was living with someone I didn’t know prior. Just like 4 years ago, I didn’t choose this move. It was pushed upon me. Circumstances beyond my control occurred, and God/Universe has a funny way of pushing me forward exactly when I’m too scared to do it on my own.

Anytime there are major changes happening in my life, there’s a physical move of locations. Moving back in with my ex boyfriend because I couldn’t deal with traveling from Cork to Dublin. Him moving out of the same apartment gave me the freedom to live on my own for a little bit until I had enough at my previous job. So I looked for a new job, found it at the other end of Dublin therefore I needed to move closer, and I’ve been living here ever since. Though my day job has changed in the meanwhile, it is only now that I’m moving apartments.

Hold on to the 1% of you that believes in you.
And it’s a scary move, mainly because the rent is increasing quite a bit. Yet in my heart I feel this is another upgrade for me. This is exactly what’s meant to happen, I’m going to be living at the place that is for the next level Sara.

This time however, the move is for something so much better. It’s as much of a physical move as it is emotional one. I do have fears of how everything will turn out, but I have to trust. I have to have faith. This is a good change. So I’m holding onto the 1% of me that believes in me, that believes this is all working out for the greater good, that knows and trusts God/Universe is doing something for me that I can’t do for myself.

Building a legacy.
What most don’t know, is that I’ve been low-key building my legacy. Everything changed for me in May 2017, a few months short of my 30th birthday. I traveled to the Netherlands for an abortion because it was still illegal to have one in Ireland. Exactly a year later, is when they voted to repeal the 8th Amendment which meant that the legislation for abortion ban was finally lifted. And that Saturday, I was at the course for getting my Diploma for Personal & Business Coaching, studying for the future me who needed the skills and the paper saying I am good at what I do… the timing of it though, was impeccable. I cannot make this stuff up!

When I got home from the trip, I was a hormonal mess. Only selected few knew what I’d just gone through and I’m grateful because if it wasn’t for their strength, I wouldn’t be here right now. I remember taking a bath soon as I could, meditating with the purpose of connecting with my little daughter who runs up to me saying “I forgive you mama.” Needless to say, I cried. And the tears wouldn’t stop.

Ever since then, I’m not living my life for me anymore. Everything I do, and have done, has been in honor of her. All of the effort, the hard work, the resilience is so that I… we… can leave a legacy behind. She’s my why. Why I do anything at all, why I keep going, why my desires are so strong. And I know she is co-creating this reality together with me because she asked for permission to do so. Should I ever be so blessed to have another child, I know she will be their guardian angel.

And yet, it’s all about me. Healing myself through being of service. Being self-centered in order to center myself. Giving my value in this world through my business. I am doing the very same thing that I ask my tribe of women to do. I am in the process of connecting both inwardly and outwardly.

The masculine loves to please, and the feminine loves to be pleased and appreciated. One cannot exist without the other. Therefore, I am being selfish in finding my center, and balancing both energies. It is from there that I can be of higher service. This is for the past version of me, and it is for the future version of me.

Everything is divinely orchestrated.
Absolutely nothing happens by coincidence, everything serves a purpose. I haven’t regretted my decision to have an abortion, mostly because I utilize it for my strength. Maybe I felt it coming years before it happened. And also because it was self-protection of not being tied to the father of the baby. Even the fact that I dodged a bullet with him by being the “side chick” was protection from the highest good. He is class A narcissist but I learned only recently to what extent. His now ex girlfriend wanted to connect with me a little while ago, and she told me all of the horror and the pain she went through with him. Here I am, in absolute shock of the emotional and physical abuse he’s put her through, all the while thinking how blessed I am that I didn’t have to endure most of it. I got out before things declined for him.

I have to thank all of the lucky stars, my angels, spirit guides, God/Universe for getting me out of what would’ve been my worst nightmare. While I did go through something tragic of my own, it was a blessing in disguise.

Maybe it’s everything that I’m currently dealing with, internally and externally. Maybe it’s because I’ve been praying for the willingness to be able to sit in the pain to transform it and utilize it for my benefit. Maybe it’s because I’m one year wiser, I wouldn’t change anything at all in my life.

Laying out the foundation.
And I realize today, on my 32nd birthday, what I want in life the most. Beyond building a legacy, I want genuine connections with people. I want to build friendships. I want that feeling of family, whether it’s my own or the people I choose to keep in my life. I want a life whereby the women get together to hold each other strong; I want those moments of sitting on the porch swing, crying, laughing and connecting. I want a life where the men have the space to express their feelings and emotions freely, because nothing is more sexy to me than a man who’s able to be vulnerable.

For anyone who’s going through toxic relationship, abortion, eating disorder, abusive parents; for you to never feel like you’re alone. Help is readily available when you’re courageous enough to ask.

No, I don’t like endings.

But this ending feels like a beginning.

It’s a fresh start, a reset button for the life I’ve only been dreaming of until this moment. And now it’s here. I get to live my wildest dreams. I get to build something that provides immense value to thousands and thousands of people.