***Trigger warning: if you’re highly sensitive individual, it’s best you stop here and skip this post. This may be highly triggering to some, please remain respectful and compassionate if you continue to read. You are reading this at your own discretion.***

I’m very clear on my boundaries and my consent these days; don’t touch me if I’ve not agreed to it, don’t slap me not even playfully if you haven’t been given permission to do so, and under any circumstances don’t call me a bitch if it’s outside of bedroom. For my day job I primarily work with men, and while I do have a smirk on my face, when I say no, don’t or did I give you permission to do that I really mean it.

You need to teach people how you want to be treated.
Especially with men, if they’re not treating you with respect you need to voice that. Sometimes, I might let things slide which is also dependent on my mood and how comfortable I am with the person.

You should always be treated with honor and respect, that should be your minimum expectation. Especially from yourself.

Consent and boundaries need to be clear.
If you’re not clear on your own boundaries thus are unsure of your own consent, a lot of things can go awry.

I wasn’t always clear on my own boundaries. I wasn’t clear whether or not I’d given my consent to do something. My lines have been blurry on more than one occasion.

What is it called when you’re pushed to do something you don’t want or particularly enjoy, yet you’re told it’s okay because you trust and love the person on some level? And at the same time you’re little turned on by the entire situation? Did I just call up on this situation, did I manifest it, am I at fault?

In Kink/BDSM, there’s a term for this type of play; CNC – consensual non-consent, and Fetlife explains it as;

A mutual agreement that within defined limits, or subject to a safe word or other restrictions, and to common sense, consent to activities is given without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. Very common (and pretty much necessary!) for activities such as kidnap or rape play, where prior discussion would destroy much of the “atmosphere”—like spoiling a surprise party. Examples: an agreement that anything rated “2” or higher in a submissive survey is “fair game” for play, without additional discussion or negotiation; or negotiation of kidnap play in advance, but without disclosing when, where, or the details of the scene.

However, in my case, nothing was planned or negotiated. It’s left me a bitter taste in my mouth because it wasn’t done with my consent.

No means no, unless agreed otherwise.
Because everything is pre-negotiated between the parties involved in the world of Kink, verbally or written, absolutely everything is done within limitations and with consent. That’s why safe words exist, and it is not advised to use the word no. Too many confusion factors play out because no can be an exchange of power play and as such, it really doesn’t mean no.

In the ‘normal’ everyday world, no absolutely means no. That is not to be disrespected.

Power isn’t something to be given away immediately.
Something that The Deviant Code has taught me, has been that the first two questions submissive should ask a Dom is, how do they handle Aftercare and how do they handle situations that have an unexpected outcome that couldn’t have been predicted.

In the context of CNC, since it can be quite intense, unexpected emotions can come up for the submissive. There are always risks involved in Kink (and in life), and there needs to be some sort of back-up in place to rectify negatively impacted situations.

While I don’t believe trust needs to be earned so much as it’s given freely, in a power dynamic it’s very important to have immense amount trust and sense of safety. Both of which take time. Patience is your ultimate superpower.

Blast from the past.
During this Mercury Retrograde, I was warned (thanks Universe!) that an ex might make his presence known. Though I didn’t know any of the details, it came back to me in the most unexpected ways. Something caused a trigger to that moment when we were at a forest, and he pushed me to do things I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready for. Even at that stage, he knew what he was about to do was a trigger for me… he pushed me anyway. Saying no, only made him more eager to do it. This wasn’t agreed upon nor consented, nor did I know anything about D/s dynamic (Dominant/submissive) at the time.

While I was in my triggered state… I was taken back in that moment, and I felt helpless. I didn’t have the power within me to fight against it. That more than anything else, scared me. How could I feel so powerless when normally I feel strong and have the ability to fight against this? I struggled with the power exchange that was happening. I sat in the pain, as if it was happening allover again (that’s what triggers are, it’s repeating the play with the same emotions that happened back then as if it’s happening in reality).

Then something took over me, I feel the safest nearby or in water. So, I took a shower and this loving energy overshadowed everything. I allowed the water to wash away my tears, all of the emotions and the feelings. It was like a warm blanket was put over me. I’m not sure which one of my Spirit Guides it was, or maybe there was an army of them. My hands automatically went on my lower tummy/womb area, repeatedly saying “I forgive you. I forgive you for the pain. I forgive you for the trauma. I forgive you.” The love and the support I felt in that moment was almost overwhelming, and I got on my hands and knees to express my gratitude for it.

Getting out of the shower, laying back in bed, the scene starts allover again. Only this time, it’s consented. I didn’t mind to be degraded, because I’m also a masochist, it was done with respect and admiration. The script was flipped, even though I didn’t realize it in that moment. Physically I couldn’t let anyone in, emotionally I was exhausted, and spiritually my human self didn’t understand what had happened.

Energy is everything.
It’s as if the entire scenario actually played out, even though it was all done on an energetic level. I felt all the touches, the sensations, the pain, the struggle, the pleasure, and the emotions. At the end of it all, I was just as confused as I would be in physical encounter.

Kink isn’t for the fainthearted.
Before anyone is bound, the bond needs to be established. There needs to be structure and systems in place. If you decide everything needs to stop despite having given the consent to do something, that needs to be respected… and if it isn’t, get out fast!

Playing out a scene may trigger something from the past, but that’s why it’s important to have have structure and systems in place. That’s why submissive should ask for how the Dom deals with Aftercare as well as unplanned (trigger) situations. As a submissive, in essence, you are giving the Dom to have permission to access not just your body but also your psyche, your mind, your spirit, your soul. You are trusting that he will instinctively know what to do, what you need, at any given moment.

At the end of the day, your submission to him is a gift because without it he wouldn’t have a purpose as a Dom.

As as Submissive…
You need to know yourself, to be honest and congruent to yourself and your needs.

With the right Dom, he will show you a way to love parts of you that you’ve long felt ashamed of or even denied yourself to have access to.

The right kind of Dom will explore the dimensions of yourself with you even before he lays a hand on you.

He needs to understand you in ways you don’t understand yourself, in the light you don’t see for yourself.

And that takes time, patience, explorations, asking questions, being given tasks, trust — 

• He wants to see your reactions, but more than that
• He wants to know the depths of you that you have turned blind eye on
• He’ll need to be in your body, mind, soul with no nook and cranny unturned

Only then can he instinctively give exactly what you’ve been yearning for, but also to break you past your self-set limits without the fears of destroying you.

And that is empowerment for your entire being.

That is his appreciation for the gift of your submission.

Someone asked me a little while ago what makes me feel most confident? Where do I get my confidence from? The answer surprised myself even; submission.

Categorize me, I defy every label.
We are such fluid human beings that anything can change at any given moment. Labels should be there only as a jump off point, as guideposts, but it shouldn’t define you as a person. We wear so many hats on our day-to-day lives, the person we show up as depends on so many variables it’s a challenge on its own to keep defining who we are.

There are very few labels I keep to personally for that exact reason. My being is very fluid; I came out of the gay closet when I was a teenager (at the age of 16, when I had started dating a girl), fast forward a few years and I’m only interested in men. Some would say that’d define me as straight. For me, it’s the connection I have with the person more than anything else.

While I enjoy mostly men, there’s still a part of me that loves women too. I admire women; they’re beauty, their sensuality, their softness, their poise, their confidence, their mannerisms.

Growing pains.
Not to forget what happened earlier this year that caused a lot of pain initially, I was in tears, crying, thinking that something was wrong with me for loving a man who’s poly. That how could I not have been enough for him? How could he be so sweet to me, and tell me he’s in a relationship? Isn’t that the same script being played out once more?

When I visualized the type of man I wanted to be with, he ticks every single box down to a T. Even down to the fact where he’s from. I kept visualizing and daydreaming about him, only to find out I felt familiar to him too. As if he’d interacted with me before. But I failed to mention the monogamy factor in my visualizations.

It was incredibly painful to go through at the time. I was crying on my best friend’s couch, not understanding why this was happening. She didn’t have much to say either. She merely felt my pain and was there for me which was more than what I could ask for.

Comfort zones are a great thing, but nothing ever grows there.
In hindsight, it was exactly what was meant to happen. When I look back now, men have always come in two’s. Even my ex boyfriend went through phases where he was crushing on women while being with me. All of this patterning has led me to believe monogamy isn’t our natural way of being. While it works for others, it doesn’t work for all. There simply isn’t “one size fits all” -mentality in this new paradigm shift of relationships anymore.

In that regard, I’m currently not even sure what to label myself as. Am I open to open relating? Yes. Am I monogamish, polyamurous, polygynous, polyandrous, ethical non-monogamous? And to what extent? At the end of the day, these are just words without any meaning… unless you give them a meaning.

What I’m mostly looking for, through any relationship, is a deeper level connection. My feeling is that the label does not matter, what matters mostly is how I feel around the person I am with. We need to vibe, there needs to be chemistry, having similar values in life, the way he treats others, and numerous other contributions.

The biggest difference for me nowadays is that I don’t have to choose. When there’s a genuine connection with someone, I don’t question it. I make it known where I stand with honesty and integrity.

One thing is for certain — I will never ever be anyone’s secret. If the man feels like he needs to hide me from his partner, or his circle, I’ll kindly bow out. Everything needs to be out in the open, and in the clear.

If he has a primary partner, before things continue in any direction, I’ll need to ensure she’s cool with me. I respect other women way too much to keep seeing him if I haven’t gotten the stamp of approval from her. What this usually means is that I’ll meet with her or talk to her to check-in, and so far there hasn’t been any issues. Instead, I feel more respected and honored in this manner. When everyone knows of each other, there’s less room for drama as well.

Community builds on trust.
What we do need, however, is community and support. Humans are herd animals; we need each other. We are not islands nor are we designed to be. Especially when going through major life changes such as shifting from monogamy to polygamy, or from vanilla to kink. You should never feel like you’re left alone in dealing with situations.

When I went through my trauma a couple of years ago, not once did I feel like I was alone in it. Something within me made sure, I reached out to someone when I felt some type of way. I didn’t bottle up any of my emotions, because if I did, the outcome would’ve been completely different.

Similarly, when I met the guy of my visualizations and shifted from monogamy to poly-mindset, I knew straight away I couldn’t deal with it on my own. I needed help. I needed support. I needed an expert in the field who understands what I’m going through and who can guide me into this new lifestyle.

I trusted the people around me to love me through whatever the circumstance was, and to be in support of me. That was my expectation, and I haven’t been disappointed ever since. It’s my non-negotiable these days; to be loved and to be supported.

Open your heart, and trust.
Collectively, we need to change the relationship dynamics. What is mirrored to you is a reflection of your inner being.

Trust within that you are never given anything or been put on anyone else’s journey, if you didn’t need it at the time it’s given.

Trust the people who come into your life.

Trust you are never given more than what you can handle.

Trust in the Universe.

Above all, trust yourself.

You are always looked after, you are always supported, you are always loved. Even at the toughest challenges, love yourself through them. You don’t need to know the path in it’s entirety, however you are always given what you ask for.

Trust is a superpower many of us have forgotten.
So how does my long-winded post relate to what I’ve said at the beginning? Bear with me, I’ll get to that. There’s just one more thing worth explaining before I get to my point.

For several years now, I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety as most of us are in today’s society. Last year, I was taught how to manage my stress levels so I’ve needed to tackle a way to deal with my anxiety as well. One of my previous coaches asked me what is in the opposite end of Anxiety, what do I want to feel instead? The answer: trust.

Cool. Going from anxiety to trust may be too big of a leap at once, how do you build the bridge in between? What’s the emotion in the middle? Surrender.

She advised me to put reminders everywhere, especially because the brain takes time to adjust to a new pattern. So when you physically see it, it’s easier to navigate through the emotions. What I did was put 3 post-it notes on my desk at work: anxiety and all emotions/feelings related to it, surrender with a reminder that it’s ok and to just breathe (exact words), trust and what that actually feels like.

This helped me tremendously because it was a constant reminder for me.

When you think you’ve surrendered, surrender some more.
Several months later, a Dom enters into my life. He commands my body unlike anything else. I felt most confident and empowered by way of submitting to him. Even down to the point I’d forget to breathe because of the intensity I felt. He whispered the exact words I’d written on the post-it; just breathe, it’s okay.

Holy schmoly. Did he just actually say that? I remember that feeling as if it was yesterday, and those words sank somewhere deep in my soul. It was as if he was in my subconscious, reading my mind and body. In that moment, I became his with my entire being. He’s done it on numerous occasions too. To try and recreate that feeling has been amiss but if I was able to manifest it once… I can manifest it again.

Universe has a funny way of giving us exactly what we need at the time we need it. Because I’d surrendered my willpower to the Universe prior to this encounter, it was really easy to surrender myself to a man. That’s when I realized, my natural state of being is eager to please the man I’m with, he needs to do absolutely nothing to earn my trust because I trust myself to allow my body to show who is trustworthy.

Surrendering took a whole another turn for me. And since then, I’ve been on this journey into submission. There are very few labels I hold onto but being a submissive is one. Whilst I have a lot to explore in the realm of kink, I know myself to know that my innate need to please people now makes sense; I’m easy to please, and I’m eager to please. The extent of my submissive will be revealed in time, layer by layer, but it’s definitely a label I’m proud to keep. It’s actually more than just a label, it’s my state of being that does define parts of who I am.