Masculine & Feminine Polarities

In order to attract the divine partner you are seeking, you have to start to understand the polarities of feminine & masculine energies.

Whether you’re in a relationship or single, women who are too much in their masculine find it hard to trust the men. They focus on the lack; on the negative aspects of him and thus, complain a lot.

Let me tell you though,

The men in your life are a reflection of your inner masculinity within you according to your own perception.

Let’s rephrase that,

If he’s emotionally unavailable to you

If he’s behaving like a narcissist

If you see him as a psychopath or sociopath

All of these characteristics are a reflection of what you believe him to be.

You can transmute that, through your inner world by taking responsibility of your thoughts and patterns.

You create your own reality.

There’s a discord between masculine males & feminine females.

There needs to be a balance between the two. It’s a give and receive relationship. When you allow your man to feed into your feminine, the energies are balanced.

Having said that, women do get overly excited about being in his presence which may make him run to the hills. It’s all about balancing the energies, balancing the desire, and coming from a place of value.

What do you desire out of the relationship?

If you aren’t allowing him to please you; your mind, body, and soul, you may be too much in your masculine. Let the past beliefs go.

How are you allowing him to look after you, to please you?
Men are easily pleased; The masculine man’s primary desire is to please the feminine.

Same goes the opposite way as well, how are you pleasing him?
Look after the masculine by worshipping him. It doesn’t even have to be sexual; cater to his needs.

Balancing the masculine & feminine energies can be a challenge.

However, when you understand the polarities, you not only heal the relationship but feel balanced within it.

And this is how I’ve conjured the most amazing men into my life. Effortlessly too. My feminine is fed by the masculine. The masculine desires to be in my feminine presence; it feeds into them.

When both are fed with the divinity, you are adding value in each other’s lives. But you have to heal your rejection complex, your co-dependency issues, your narcissist traits before you can attract the divine masculine into your life. And I can help you navigate through that.

Slut Shaming, pt. 2

I was prompted to make another post on slut shaming as I gained another perspective or layer for this. Read my own experience here.

Women shut down men because they internalize slut shaming.

They fear of how they are being seen if they sleep with a lot of men.

If a woman is continues to be promiscuous, if she’s seen as calling attention for being sexy and/or gaining the attention from men, it’s easy to be seen as slutty.

Slut shaming has many forms to it;

It’s a form of bullying;
Being easy, wearing too revealing clothes, being called names (ie. a slut), or saying she had it coming are all derogatory ways of shaming a woman.

It’s a form of shaming other girls;
Women shame other women for being promiscuous, for being sexually active, and for wanting the attention from men. Why, why, why? Don’t we have enough to deal with, than to turn against our own? We should empower one another, not demean the each other.

It’s a form of insecurity;
Others may be shaming and guilting the woman for her behavior. However, it actually has nothing to do with the woman but it speaks volumes of the person who does the shaming. They’re more than likely insecure of themselves, just the way I felt it when I was being slut-shamed  — it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the person who accused me of that.


The guy gets all the glory, the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore
I don’t understand why it’s OK
The guy can get away with it, the girl gets named
All my ladies come together and make a change

Christina Aguilera ft. Lil Kim – Can’t Hold Us Down

It’s a form of sexism;
Apparently, there are 220 derogatory words that describe sexually promiscuous women but only 20 for sexually promiscuous men. Society is far more accepting men to explore their sexuality than women.

It should not be acceptable in today’s society. Period. Point. Blank.

A woman’s sexual activity is no one else’s business, other than her own.

Confident woman does not care how others see her, a confident woman sets the rules and boundaries for herself. She values herself. Outside sources cannot sway her opinion of how she feels. If she deems a man who’s worthy of her attention, she can and will freely express that desire.

She will allow herself to explore the way she expresses her sexuality. The only approval she’ll ever need, is from herself.

However, she will never shut down a man  — the desire for the pleasure of his company far outweighs the potential of being slut-shamed.

Authentic Communication

So often the word authenticity comes up. But what does it really mean?

To me, it means being congruent to yourself.

Knowing who you are, what you desire, and taking aligned action toward the desires. It’s even more than that. It’s setting the boundaries for yourself and abiding to them.

 

How does this translate into relationships?

When you’re partnered long-term with one person (in a monogamous relationship), the communication is easier than when you open the relationship for others to enter into it. Open relationships require that much more commitment to converse with partners.

It is still a skill that is often bypassed. Couples argue because there is a miscommunication of sorts.

Even when starting to get involved with a new person, disappointments often happen when the expectations aren’t met.

Openness, honesty, and open communication are caterpillars for setting a good foundation in any relationship. Communication isn’t enough, you’ll need compassion to comprehend what the other person is saying. If you don’t understand of what’s being said, there is a breakdown in communication.

Whether starting a new situation or you’ve been in long-term committed relationship, remember to check-in with yourself as well as with your partner(s). Talk about your expectations, the intentions and the boundaries with them.

 

Remember, you cannot control anyone else but you can only control yourself. Take responsibility for yourself. Do not put any blame, shame, or guilt onto your partner(s). Relationships take a lot of effort, you can’t be just cruising through them or else it’s not a high value relationship to be in.

If something is bothering me personally, I take a minute to step back and explore what it is really about. Is it how he’s made me feel? Is it an unwanted emotion (ie. jealousy, greed) and where does it hail from? Is it something that was said previously that keeps repeating in my head, over and over? Or was it my own reaction to the situation that makes me feel insecure or as if I’ve crossed a boundary? I need to understand it first myself before bringing to the other person, they are not at fault. To get clarity, I bring it up in the next conversation or if it really cannot wait, I’ll message him to confirm.

My head has less room to overthink and overanalyze things when it’s clear of the clutter. When I can remain congruent to myself, and express myself freely without worrying that the other person will bolt, it creates the freedom for the relationship to just be. The more vulnerable I allow myself to be with men, the more appreciation I receive.

 

Dare to be yourself, dare to express yourself as honestly as you can. If he leaves you for it, then he was not coming of a high value place to begin with. You do not want to be in a relationship where you feel like you need to walk on eggshells.

When he opens up to talk to you, have the compassion to hear him but also to understand what he is trying to tell you. If it’s unclear to you, ask clarifying questions.

The more you communicate with him, the more intimate the relationship is. Intimacy and trust are the next caterpillars to build on the relationship, they help strengthen the bond that you have.

The time I got slut-shamed

There’s stigma around slut shaming other women, when there’s no need for this. When women start fighting over the same man, my heart hurts.

We should not be in competition of one another,

rather we should empower each other.

 

There are plenty of men out there who will want you.

There are plenty of men out there who will want both of you.

Love should be as abundant as water; one is not away from the other.

I was slut shamed by an ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend. She claimed they are happy now but weren’t at the time he was seeing me alongside seeing her. I knew of their relationship, and embraced it, but she did not know of ours. I was called by whatever names she felt described me as a person.

The feeling that shaming gave me was insecurity; of herself, of the relationship, of how she does not trust him.

Was I in the right seeing a man who was in an open relationship, when it was done in secrecy? No. At the time, I was happy to have received any sort of appreciation. That was my insecurity. I didn’t have rules nor any clear boundaries. Literally “anything goes” was my mentality. I can’t say I am proud of that time in my life in general.

However, I take full responsibility of it. That was me then.

I’ve learned my lessons.

Setting boundaries is a huge deal. What is acceptable, what do I tolerate, where is the middle ground for the relationship to work.

Sharing my authentic truth without blame, shame or guilt. Owning up to my actions but also opening the conversations for what I value and what I can offer into the relationship.

Women are my friends, sisters, and allies. Don’t ever be in competition of another woman. If he is in an open relationship, be supportive of his primary woman. Getting her consent is the stamp of approval you’ll need, in fact if you become friends, even better.

 

Empowering other women to stand in their truth, builds on the trust. Not just in the relationship with him but with the others too. When you’re secure within yourself, and trust the man that you’re with, there is no need for jealousy, shaming others nor feeling insecure.

 

Continuous check-ins within yourself as well as with your partner are vital for the relationship to work – especially when you open the relationship for others to enter into it. Expansion can be the most empowering thing when done right.

 

Enoughness

Repeat after me: I am enough.

I don’t think any man prefers a woman who doesn’t feel worthy. Much the same way no woman enjoys a man who doesn’t think highly of himself.

In order to truly attract a divine masculine man into your life, you need to know you’re worthy.

Worthy does not mean titles.

Worthy does not mean desperately seeking for validation or reassurance.

Worthy does not mean clinging onto him.

Worthy does not mean snooping his phone, in secret.

Worthy does not mean casting shame and guilt onto him.

Worthy does not mean projection of insecurities.

Worthy does not mean overanalyzing if he likes you.

 

 

What value do you bring into his life?

Know your boundaries.

Choose wisely and be selective.

Feel secure within yourself, and the relationship.

Take responsibility of your actions, thoughts, reactions, and behavior.

Reveal your layers gradually.

Trust in yourself, in your dynamic, and in him.

Show the appreciation of his presence in your life.

 

 

When you show up of the highest feminine confidence, your magnetism is heightened. A man who is secure in himself, will show through both his actions and words that he wants you in your life.

Insecurities will always pop up, that is just part of life. However, how you manage them will speak volumes of how you handle yourself during challenging times. A woman who is secure and confident in herself, will not cling onto the small things nor will ever place any shame, blame or guilt onto him. Take responsibility of yourself.

 

Seeking for a title to validate your relationship is just utter bullshit.

If he is not ready to give you one, then you have to meet him where he’s at.

Trust

High value man will require two things: patience and trust.

Patience is a learned skill. In order to become more patient, you have to start become more trusting. He doesn’t necessarily teach patience, he will teach that there are consequences of being impatient. 

What helps you slow down is, trust.

Trust in your partner.

Trust in your dynamic.

Trust in your self.

When you really trust your man/men, you become far less likely to freak out over his responses. Poise is attractive.

—  Lesley Tavernier

The quickest way to turn him off, is to keep questioning him. Why does he do the things he does? What are his motives? When is something going to happen?

He will show you when he deems it’s right timing.

You have to stop questioning. Stop doubting.

Rather, start trusting that there is a reason why he does the things in his order and time. Allow him to take the lead. Surrender to his timing. Allow things to unfold all on its own.

Taking the time with the right person, is a reward worth waiting for.

Respect his privacy.

He will share the things when the timing is right, and/or on a need-to-know basis. If you keep going to snoop on his phone, his private messages and DMs, that sense of trust is gone.

Stop the interrogations.

There’s nothing that will make him want to disappear quicker, is if you are too inquisitive on how he chooses to spend his time. Trust that if there is something that has him worried or bothered, he will share. In his own time. By you allowing that space to exist for him to be comfortable enough in sharing the details of his life, he will be willing to share more.

Own up to your own shit.

Unconditional love makes no promises, in fact, it will trigger you on levels you didn’t know existed. That’s called growth. When this happens, whatever you do, do not put guilt and shame onto him. Instead, talk to him from a place of compassion and authentic truth. Tell him honestly what is going on, and you are dealing with it. Stay calm, even when emotions arise. A man will always want to be there to support you when you choose to trust him in sharing your most inner-thoughts.

Surrender to him.

There is absolutely nothing that feeds into his divine masculine than surrendering to him. Allow him to take the lead. Have utter belief in him, abiding to his commands. Letting go of yourself to succumb to him will please him more than you can imagine. When you trust in his leadership, you are guaranteed to magnetize him to you in stronger ways. Men primarily desire to please women; it excites them but more than that it feeds into their masculine. The combination of surrendering to his will while pleasing you, will make you irresistible in his eyes.

The more I trust the men in my life, the more it reflects on the dynamic of the relationship. I’ve certainly needed to do the work in order to build the trust within myself first before I have been able to reflect it externally. When women say there are no good men left in this world anymore, I cringe. This simply isn’t true. It is the perspective we have because of the past hardships. Not every situation is same, not every man will treat you like shit. In fact, the moment you step into your feminine confidence, everything around you shifts.

If you aren’t choosing him, he won’t be choosing you. Simple as.

The moment you do choose him, however, and choose to work your feminine power on him, he will be coming back for more. Time and again.

You want more commitment

Are you triggered when he calls you a friend?

You’re in the right place at the right time, reading this.

When “a friend” of mine asked me if I was looking for the title, I was bamboozled. Why would I need to have the title to define the relationship? This reminded me of how far I’ve come in my journey.

I used to want to get the title. I used to want to know what it was. I wanted to define what it was. And I know, many women get stuck in needing to validate the situation by getting the title.

Does it truly matter? Why place the value of the relationship on a label?

Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes it can be a cop out. The guy acts as if you are together but his words tell you otherwise. I’ve been in these situations too where he wanted the commitment without committing to me. He wanted me to cater to his needs yet he got quiet soon as I asked what this was.

I’ve also been in situation where we were just friends with benefits. He wanted me around while his girlfriend was crying over his behavior. (He claimed they were in an open relationship.)

So, I started to despise the word friend. I didn’t like it, I didn’t want it. I wanted more. I needed more. But at that time, I was emotionally unavailable to myself.. and so were the guys I was seeing. I didn’t value myself. I wasn’t confident in my own skin.

Whenever we put labels or categories onto something, it takes the magic away.

I have never conformed to what the society wants or thinks, whether it was me coming out of the closet as a lesbian because I was seeing another girl at the time, then turned into bisexual who’s now a straight woman. Wanting to be the girlfriend, the wife, the sister-in-law. Moving from old fashioned monogamy to open relating.

When my “friend” called me that, a friend, I laughed and asked him Friends, huh? 😉 To which his response was “friends mostly”. You know the feeling when you meet a person and they trigger the shit out of you but also change your entire life? This man triggers me because he makes me get out of my square box. For the longest time, I was resisting the idea of open relating. I thought it got in the way of my life, my love life to be exact. Not going to even lie, I’ve cried so many times wondering what is wrong with me and why he doesn’t want just me. But I started looking at the patterns, I started questioning my entire life.

It took me a minute, and it took me to ask for support in this new paradigm shift. That’s when I hired one of my favorite relationship coaches in the world. I am thankful I did! She helped me navigate through the feminine choice. And now, I am embracing all of the men who are in my life. Romantic or not. And I wouldn’t be here, this blog wouldn’t exist, if this “friend” hadn’t triggered my beliefs.

We get to decide what we desire.

Now I see the benefit of having multiple partners. There is zero desire in being obsessed with the guy(s) in my life. When you’re secure in yourself, when you’re confident in yourself, when you trust yourself, you become magnetic. It trickles to everything you do.

At the end of the day, pay attention to how he treats you not what he says. Categorizing yourself into a box should only be used as a guideline but as you expand and elevate, get out of the damn box. Don’t let society conform you into its definition of what you should or shouldn’t be.

Ask yourself, what value am I bringing into his life?

You don’t need to validate the relationship based on a silly title. That screams insecurity. He will show you that he wants you around through his actions. Words are just words, they have no meaning until the meaning we give them.

Rather than focusing on the title, focus on how you feel around him. How you feel when you’re not around him. Know and feel the value that you give him. The relationships that are mutually beneficial, will be long-lasting.

Watch how you speak of him, especially when he’s not around. I’ve written about this before but feel the need to reiterate this as it is crucial. Your desire and pleasure for him, is going to make him want you in his life.

A man will always give you clues for his boundaries and the level of commitment he is able to give you. It is your job to be attentive. Pay attention to details; if he cannot commit to seeing you once a week, but instead says he prefers to go with the flow. Get used to the element of surprise. Surrender to his leadership. If you want him to be more committed to you, you will have to meet him where he’s at.

Finally, don’t overthink things. Focus on yourself, especially when insecurities pop-up. Don’t put any blame, shame or guilt onto him — he isn’t at fault. It is your internal beliefs that are making you feel some type of way. If/when he asks, you can be honest with him but take responsibility for yourself. I do encourage honesty, there isn’t a man who doesn’t appreciate vulnerability.

The best kind of relationships, are the ones that help you progress positively through life. They will trigger you but when you see the growth in that, you’ve found love. Our society has taught that being in love is something to be sought after. That feeling doesn’t last for long. It is merely an adrenaline and endorphin rush. And as soon as it’s over, you start thinking what is wrong with this, I thought we were supposed to be in love. Love in its truest form, it just is. No pretenses, no shaming. Honesty, openness and open communication will get you far. True love doesn’t make any promises, in fact it is supposed to trigger you. You are supposed to grow because if you’re not, you become stagnant.

Don’t be that girl who needs him in your life.

Be the woman who desires him.

Stop chasing after him

The best advice I have ever received from my relationship coach, was two-fold;

  1. Watch what you say when he’s not around
  2. Love him for who he is not

So, I am here to tell you the same thing.

Be mindful of how you talk about him to your girl friends and other people. If you always complain about what he’s not doing, how he is behaving, or whatever else, he will prove you to be that kind of a guy. Because what you focus on, grows.

I will only ever speak of him in kind, loving, and appreciative manner. If something bothers me, I will tell him directly with respect. He is not a mind reader, he cannot know what I’m thinking unless I tell him. Honesty is so important. Staying authentic to yourself, is only a benefit in your relationship with him.

The more I speak of him in this manner, the more magnetized he is to me. Who doesn’t want to feel adored and adorned? I feel it in every fiber of my being. When I feel it, he will sense it as well.

If he cannot be something you are expecting him to be, ie. if he’s not as available to you as you’d like, love him because of it. He is your teacher. Love him for the narcissistic traits he has (disclaimer: this does not mean stay in an abusive situation if you are being abused), love him for the wife/girlfriend he has, love him for the person that he does show you.

When you love him because of how he is not behaving, the things he does not say to you, the time you spend apart, utilize it to transform yourself. It’s genuinely a chance for you to expand yourself. It’s a transformation.

The men in my life are all there for a reason; they trigger me at best of times. When a trigger pops up, I know I have to do the work, otherwise it wouldn’t be presented to me. I am thankful for that for the reason that it gives me an opportunity to love and appreciate the element that I’ve not been able to deal with previously. I deal with it the same way I deal with the men in my life; love and appreciation.

I do not need to chase after him, for the reasons mentioned above. The more I work on myself, the more focused I am around healing the parts that no longer serve me, the more magnetized he is to me. The time we spend apart, is the time for me to self-reflect and have radical self-focus. What I say about him to anyone, I speak with confidence and of the highest respect for him. He may not know this on a conscious level but he can feel it. I trust that the value I bring into his life by stepping into my feminine confidence. Before long, he will find his way to my presence — over and over again.

Withdrawings

Ms. Insecurity paid me a visit today. She said she’s not cut out for this life, that it’s too much to take in for her. So, I’ve retreated back for a minute. Highly aware of the progress that has been made, over the last few years, few months, even few weeks. Unwilling to take one step forward and three steps back.

Some would say this is jealousy. Jealousy is only a mask for deeper emotions. Truth of it is, I’m scared. Scared to show my true emotions. Forgotten how to be vulnerable around/with men, yet I share everything with my girl friends. That’s a depth that scares me. That’s my shadow, unwilling to be seen because if it was.. would it be judged, would the other person run away? I’m only learning to be authentically me. To stay congruent to myself, and express my emotions without any accusations or blame. Merely sharing my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And that feels extremely liberating.

Ms. Insecurity kept saying that I’m not good enough, that who do I think I am living this new life. She’s never happy with the way I am, or the direction I choose to take. It puts her out of comfort. She holds herself to a higher standards, putting pressures on herself to look perfect. What is perfection, anyway?

The old patterns, habits and behaviors no longer serving me. This is what would cause co-dependency; if I went asking for a guy to pay attention to me. Thankfully, the words of looking a certain way, being a certain weight, no longer echo in my head. It’s taken me years to repair the damage that one guy had done.

Ms. Insecurity ran the show today. She was at the forefront, and I let her. I sat in discomfort for most of the day. Because sometimes that’s exactly what’s needed. This open relating thing has her head spinning, she’s used to only one partner. In my heart, a fundamental shift has happened.

I take full responsibility of my thoughts, of my actions. No one else can do the work for me. Even if there was a primary partner, it wouldn’t have mattered. He wouldn’t have been able to shake this away. This is the shit I need to deal with, as it comes up. This shit is triggering. This takes a lot of work, self-awareness, and vigilance.

My sensitivity and vulnerability is often taken for weakness. It’s often misunderstood. I am by no means, weak. I carry incredible strength, and I can carry it for others too when needed. I woke up from my nap earlier today, with hand on my womb and yelling in my dream “I AM ENOUGH!” That shows the work that I’ve done, and not just the affirmations but the beliefs behind it, is paying off. Dreams are the gateway to subconscious mind, and my subconscious clearly knows how worthy I am. I am perfect with my imperfections.

Thank you for your presence, Ms. Insecurity, but you’ve overstayed your welcome. Thank you for showing this vulnerability, that I can share because I know I am not alone in this. You must now leave as you are being kicked out the door.

Consent + Boundaries

The last couple of months there has been an influx of cheating scandals among various celebrities.

There was the Cardi-Offset, the KarJenner-Thompson-Woods, and latest one (though only a rumor at this stage), ARod-JLo situations.

What causes people to cheat? We live in such a fast paced society, whereby we need to get our quick fix of whatever it is that we think we need. It’s a thrill. It’s adrenaline rush. We get it for instant gratification. Doing something in secrecy feeds into that.

Beyond that, I’m of the belief that there hasn’t been open communication between the partners of what their expectations are. You can’t control anyone else, you can only control yourself and your reactions. Many couples fail to have conversations around their boundaries as well as their consent; what’s acceptable by them.

“Don’t do what you wouldn’t want the other person to do” is too vague of thought. What does that even mean? Often times, sex is out of the question. But what about the rest? Can you spend quality time with another person of the opposite sex (for straight couples, specifically), can you hug and cuddle them? What about the emotional connection, or spiritual one?

One of my guilty pleasures to watch on tv is shows like Temptation Island and Love Island. I love it for the social experiments they provide. On Temptation Island, the couples can only view videos of their partners on the other side of the island without being able to be in contact with the other person. All they have is 5 minute video clip of what has happened. The host asks if there has been any boundaries set, or should two adults have the need to set boundaries?

The couples: no, we didn’t talk about it much, if at all.

My answer: yes.

Why? Why do you decide to go on a show, that is filled with temptation, and you know something is very likely to happen in that sort of scenario. The drama is good for the tv ratings, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing this. Reality isn’t the same as reality tv.

Knowing fully well you are going to be put through temptation, the best thing you can do for your relationship is to have a clear, open and honest conversation. Or maybe several conversations, of what’s acceptable. Even giving more leeway than normally.

Bottom line is, what are your boundaries within the relationship and what do you give consent to happen?

Open and honest conversations should be continuous effort on both parties. Check-ins with your partner are vital in a healthy relationship. Especially in open-relationships, for the fact that things become more complex when more people get involved.

Authenticity is required from you, remaining congruent to yourself and compassion from your partner to hear you out. What do you need? When two people love and accept one another for exactly who they are, there is no need to regulate them. The understanding of your partner’s needs are essential in making it work.

Relationships are triggering, they don’t even necessarily make you happy. The only thing you can offer is your most authentic self, which includes your shadow side, the ego and insecurities. At its purest form, love is. It does not ask for anything when it’s unconditional. You need not chase after the other person, can’t convince them to love you.

You just need to show who you are, flaws and all.

If the other person cannot accept that, then there’s a bigger conversation to be had.

Part of authenticity is knowing exactly who you are — what are your boundaries, your expectations, your needs, your values. From there you can start the conversation on creating boundaries of what is acceptable by you, and listen to your partner what is acceptable to them. By giving consent to your partner to do what they need in order to live their best life, will feed into your relationship. Which in turn will break the cycle of needing to go behind their back to do something in secret.